We often struggle with people that don’t strive for standards or results that we feel are important, we want them to behave a certain way or accomplish certain things. We feel frustrated or angry that they don’t seem to understand the reason we want or even insist that things are done or kept a certain way and are perturbed by our perceived missed opportunity for them to improve or evolve.
The frustration is usually very intense when it involves people we love and care about a great deal. We feel we have more experience than them and after all, we are only trying to help reduce their struggle. These are also the people we tend to spend more time with and or have the strongest desire to help, so it is very much in our face so to speak. Our desire to, as we believe “help” is frequently the cause of disagreements and arguments.
So what causes us to become so anxious or angry by these things?
When we are children we devise games that give us a great deal of pleasure and often wish to share these games with our siblings or friends. We want them to experience the joy we feel and the sense of achievement we have when playing our game. So we invite them to join us.
This is when the problems begin! They see another way of doing it, or in their eyes a better way. They try to change the rules and even start to break them, causing us to disagree, become angry with each other and that is usually the end of the game.
We wanted them to experience and enjoy our game in the same way we did. They had a different set of values, priorities and desires to us and so we disagreed, which installs into us anger and response mechanisms. As we grow older the games change, the process evolves, usually becoming a power struggle, which re-affirms our anger and response even more.
When we try to communicate with and assist others to see and experience another way or our way of doing things, due to our past experiences we often anticipate resistance. This causes us to begin with some trepidation. Our trepidation is sensed, often interpreted as aggression, they think to themselves “here we go again” which creates the resistance we feared and so the cycle continues.
When we communicate with and assist in a passive way, without trepidation, without anger and without a desired outcome, our words and advice will be listened to with less resistance and much more care and consideration.
To help you achieve a more passive approach, use the “Healing Fear or Despair” technique under the Guidance tab.
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